Apex Self Defense

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Archive for the tag “stupid crooks”

Stupid Criminals Call 911 On Themselves?!?!

Pot Boy


When stupid criminals call 911 it’s never good. Here are a few hilarious examples of what happens when these criminal masterminds decide to use the phone.

IS GROWING MARIJUANA LEGAL?

When most criminals are unsure if their activities rise to the level of illegality, you’d think they would seek out the advice of an attorney, right? Well, not 21 year-old Robert Michelson from Connecticut. I guess he thought it might be a bit pricey to seek out legal advice the traditional way. So instead he decided to call information….911. Unfortunately for him he was off by 5 numbers. In most states, information is still 411.

Michelson called a 911 dispatcher and confessed that he was growing marijuana, but apparently he wasn’t trying to turn himself in. He simply wanted some legal advice on the penalties and fines for growing pot.

“I’m reporting a possible crime,” Michelson said, “I’m growing marijuana and I want to know how much trouble I can get in for one plant.”

After the dispatcher stopped laughing, she told him it depended on the size of his plant. Unbeknownst to Michelson, the police have, in their possession, some space age technology that allows them the capability of tracing 911 calls and tracking down the caller. Who knew? So as it turned out, it didn’t take long for the cops to show up at the stoned genius’s house and arrest him for possession, as well as several other charges.

The bad news for Michelson is he’ll be spending some time in the local jail. The good news is he got an answer to his question and didn’t have to pay for an attorney to get it.

CALLING 911 FROM THE HOME HE BROKE INTO

Timothy Chapek

Timothy Chapek

Who is the dumbest criminal ever? This guy!! Meet Timothy Chapek, 25 from Portland Oregon. He thought it’d be a great idea to break into someone’s house and……..take a shower! That alone is enough to get him into the stupid criminal top 10, but his next move may send him straight to number one. While he was lathering up with a loofha, he heard the homeowner return home. So what does he do next? Hide in the house? Climb out a window and run away? No, he decided to call 911.

The following is a transcript from the hilarious call:

Burglar: “I just broke in to a house, and the owners came home!”

911 operator: “Wait, you broke into a house?”

Burglar: “Yeah.”

Burglar: “They can hear me.”

At this point the homeowner, Hillary McKenzie, arrives and can be heard on the call.

Hillary McKenzie: “Why are you in my house talking a shower?”

Burglar: “I’m sorry. My name is Timothy Chapek.”

McKenzie: “Why are you in my shower?”

Clark: “I broke in…”

McKenzie: “Alright, I am calling the police.”

Clark: “I have already called them, they are on the phone, right now.”

<strong>She eventually called the dispatcher from her cell phone.

McKenzie: “He’s in the bathroom, the door’s shut, and he said he is there, and I said (laughing), ‘who the hell are you?.”

911 operator: “Did he sound like he was high or drunk?”

McKenzie: “Well, he is obviously nuts.”

Chapek was charged with trespassing, and he becomes the latest in a long line of stupid criminals who have called 911 on themselves.

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Funny Mug Shot T-Shirts

Some of the funniest mugs we’ve ever seen, usually include some moron wearing a hilarious T-shirt. So here they are, some of the best t-shirts ever in a mug shot;

Super Freak!

Subject: Craig T. Wellington
Crime: Petty Theft, Public intoxication
Profile: Dating Rick James?

Craig apparently thought it was a good idea to steal a case of Red Bull from the back of an unattended delivery truck on a dare from a friend. Is it any surprise that alcohol was a factor in this equation?

Unfortunately for him, getting arrested was just the beginning of his problems. Next time, Craig may think twice about his wardrobe decisions when he leaves the house. As a rule of thumb, you never want to give the wrong impression about your sexuality to a group of men who’ve been locked up without any female companionship for months or years at a time.

Although, Rick James passed away in 2006, I’m sure someone in prison will be more than willing to take his place. Don’t bend over for the soap Craig!

Idiot

You Can’t Fix Stupid

Subject: Laurence McGee
Crime: Indecent Exposure, Drug Possession
Profile: Placed 2nd in a 1978 Leif Garrett look-alike contest

Laurence had no idea how prophetic those words on his tee shirt were, one fateful night last August. The night started like any other Friday night for a swinging single dude, living in Seattle. Rush hour commute in traffic, a quick bite to eat, shower and shave and a trip to his dealer to buy some Rohypnol.

Laurence apparently had a fondness for the ladies that was not reciprocal. So this hopeless romantic decided he needed some help….chemically. He purchased the date rape drug, Rohypnol or Ruffies to help improve his odds of success.

He went to a local bar and met a potential prospect. When she wasn’t looking he slipped the date rape drug into her drink, or so he thought. Apparently he’d unknowingly put the Ruffies into his own drink by mistake. By the time police arrived he was in the parking lot, laying on the hood of a Honda Civic without any pants!

Luckily for us, mug shots are only from the waist up! Maybe we should introduce him to the Rick James guy?

Is His Title In Jeopardy?

Is His Title In Jeopardy?

Subject: Daniel Allen Everett
Crime: Sex Offender
Profile: Reigning “Worlds Greatest Dad” International Champion

Daniel Allen Everett, is not only the reigning “Worlds Greatest Dad” he is also a child predator who was arrested after attempting to have sex with a 14 year-old girl…..while wearing his World’s greatest dad shirt!!

It’s unclear how this will affect his chances at defending his title, but it definitely won’t help.

Daniel went from being a world champ, to an internet laughing stock overnight. Well Daniel, look at the bright side…You may have lost the World’s greatest dad title, but you’ve got a shot at World’s Stupidest Criminal.

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Mitt Romney, Tide and A Fat Prisoner – Weird Crimes

The Romney Robber

The Romney Robber

Sterling, Virginia – A Wells Fargo bank was robbed last week by a man wearing a Mitt Romney mask. The robber, brandished a handgun and stole money from several tellers before making his escape.

This same bank was robbed two years ago by a robber wearing a Hillary Clinton Mask.

However, it was fitting that this man was wearing a Florida State sweatshirt, given that the university has had a history of ah …… criminal athletes.

Tide, The Newest Drug Of Choice

Tide, The Next World Currency?

Forget The Dollar, The Euro Or Yen, The newest currency is…..Tide?!?!

Law-enforcement officials across the country have been baffled by the latest crime wave targeting an unlikely item — Tide laundry detergent.

Theft of Tide detergent has become so rampant that some cities are setting up special task forces to stop it, and retailers like CVS are locking up the liquid.

One thief in St. Paul, Minn., stole approximately $25,000 worth of the laundry detergent before he was arrested early this year.

Tide has become a valuable currency on the streets. The retail price is pretty high — roughly $10 to $20 a bottle — and it’s a staple in households across socioeconomic classes.

Tide can go for $5 to $10 a bottle on the black market, cops say, and some thieves even resell it to stores.

“We sent in an informant to buy drugs,” Prince George’s County, Md., Detective Harrison Sprague said. “The dealer said, ‘I don’t have drugs, but I could sell you 15 bottles of Tide.’ ”

So far, as of this writing, George Soros hasn’t tried to manipulate the price of Tide on the world currency markets…..yet.

You’ll Never Believe How This Prisoner Smuggled A Gun Into Jail

Who Needs A Holster?

A Texas prisoner was charged with smuggling 9 mm into prison. The gun was found during a routine check of the prisoner’s cell. While it’s not completely unusual for people to smuggle things into jail, it was however the unique method of smuggling that authorities were surprised about.

The prisoner admitted to sneaking the weapon into the jail by hiding it under the folds of his fat. The prisoner also admitted to smuggling in some KFC and a bag of pretzels.

Apparently, when you weigh more than 600 lbs., you’ve got plenty of nooks and crannies to hide a gun and ammo.

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Stupid Criminals – Pocket Dialing 911 In The Middle Of A Drug Deal

Hello?

Scranton, Pennsylvania – Justin Kryzanowski, 24, was a simple man. He was just your typical 20 something American guy. He liked football, hot dogs, apple pie and selling crack to neighborhood kids.

He was an entrepreneur who believed in customer service. So one day, while on a “sales call” to a potential client, Justin accidentally pocket dialed 911. His conversation with a customer named “Rick” involved phrases like “dime bag” and bong tokes” which aroused suspicions of the 911 operator who then informed police.

Police were waiting for Justin when he arrived home. The Scranton police noticed that Kryzanowski’s speech was slurred , and his eyes were dilated during their initial interview at his house.

They also discovered prescription drugs and syringes filled with Suboxone, an opioid dependence medication, inside Kryzanowski’s residence. Cops confirmed that Kryzanowski’s cell phone also matched the one used to dial 911 during the alleged drug deal.

Note to drug-dealers: A great technique to avoid getting busted by the cops is refrain from calling them on yourself!

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Stuck In A/C Shaft, Hidden Cell Phone and Fake ID Fail. It’s Stupid Criminals!

Richard Anthony Smith


Thief Gets Stuck in Air Conditioning Shaft, Then Calls 911

Knoxville Tennessee – This is Richard Anthony Smith, 25, who called Knoxville cops to report a man who got trapped in an air conditioning shaft of a local museum. The man trapped in the A/C shaft? Himself!

Yep, Einstein got stuck while breaking and entering and called cops for help while concocting a lame story to justify why he was there.

From the roof, cops and firefighters found him stuck 50 feet down, in the ducts of the building’s ventilation system. He told police he was there to “defuse and confiscate” a Soviet-made nuclear warhead. Must have been part of some super secret government covert operation.

When he was arrested on charges of robbery he was overheard by cops saying, “”Mission failed.” You can’t make this stuff up!

Cell Phone Up the Rectum

Anyone see my blue tooth?

Austin, Texas – Another day, another cell phone in the rectum on death row story.

Prison officials conducting a routine shakedown of death row inmates, made a disturbing and disgusting discovery; a cell phone hidden inside the rectum of convicted murderer Henry Skinner.

Here is how it went down; During the shakedown two SIM ards were discovered in Skinner’s bible. SIM cards but no cell phone, naturally raised a red flag. Because Skinner had previously shown a propensity to …..Ahh…. be creative while hiding contraband, officials took him to the infirmary to run an X-ray.

There was no indication of how the cell phone was retrieved or who had to go and get it. Hopefully someone with very small hands?

Notice anything wrong?

Jackson, Mississippi – Meet Mario Andreas Gonzales Martinez. He’s just your typical 9 – 5 hard working guy who decided he needed to supplement his income to make ends meet. So, showing his entrepreneurial spirit, he came up with a great ID theft money making plan.

The Plan

Step 1 – Steal someone’s identity, get an ID made and open a bank account using said ID.
Step 2 – Steal someone’s checkbook, write check to stolen identity, deposit funds and withdraw the cash.

Sounds great on paper but this genius never made it past step one. He had a fake ID made, that actually looked genuine except for one little flaw; the photo. A driver’s license photo generally only has a photo of the person listed on the license! Mario used a photo of himself posing with his girlfriend. You gotta give credit to poor Mario for creativity but never underestimate a man’s stupidity!

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Stupid Criminals & Celebrity Mug Shot Look Alikes

If your school fight song is”Dueling Banjos”, you might be a redneck.

Joe-Bob MaGee

Siloam Springs Arkansas – Meet Joe-Bob MaGee from Arkansas. Joe-Bob has the unique honor of reaching two milestones; He has been married three times but still has the same in-laws and he happens to be a dead ringer for the banjo playing boy from Deliverance. Remember Deliverance? It was the movie about the four men who travel into the mountains and…ah…become acquainted with some good ole’ boys?

Deliverance Kid

Joe was arrested for residential burglary. He allegedly broke into a mobile home in the trailer park where he lives! Some of the items taken? A set of six Hank Williams 8-tracks, a stuffed squirrel, a siphon hose, and three packages of beef jerky.

Police were able to track him by following a set of shoe prints to his trailer. There was a heavy rainstorm the night before and the ground was still pretty muddy, thus preserving the tracks. I guess everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

KISS your freedom good-bye!

Eddie Deluccio

Los Angeles California – This is Eddie Deluccio, who just happens to look a lot like Gene Simmons from the rock band KISS. Eddie isn’t the smartest criminal around.

Eddie stole about fifty thousand dollars worth of gold coins from the trunk of a car. The coins belonged to a local coin dealer who was in route to a coin show and left them in his vehicle. Eddie appeared to have gotten away with it as the police had no leads and no finger prints.

Gene Simmons

Then Eddie went and did something stupid, he got arrested for a drunken bar fight. After he was arrested, he feared police might suspect him in the coin robbery. In a panic, he used the pay phone in the jail cell to call his accomplice and ordered him to “…get rid of the rest of the coins…now!”

Unfortunately for poor Eddie, he didn’t realize that jail cells are under constant surveillance and jail house phone calls are monitored and recorded. Well it didn’t take long for the police to put two and two together and realize which coins he was talking about. They traced the call, and located the accomplice and coins. Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Lucius Alexander

Need A Post-It Note?

Newark, New Jersey – Meet Lucius Alexander, petty thief, alcoholic and a Carrot Top look-alike. Lucius was arrested for perhaps the stupidest theft of all time, stealing 20,000 Post-It Notes?!?!

Do you know anyone who needs 20,000 Post-It Notes?

Well, apparently Lucius believed he could make a killing selling them, so he broke into a warehouse where they were stored and make off with a boatload of them. Oh it seemed like the perfect crime…until it was time to sell them.

Carrot Top

Lucius fancied himself an entrepreneur, so he set up a booth at a local flea market and tried to unload his new found inventory. Lucius sure didn’t think things through because the flea market was just two blocks from the scene of the crime and the burglary made all the local papers and the evening newscast.

Police reported no fewer than 23 calls that day from flea market shoppers who had heard about the heist. Witnesses say that when Lucius was arrested he was crying like a baby, all while proclaiming his innocence. God must love stupid people. He made SO many of them!

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