Apex Self Defense

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Archive for the tag “funny robbers”

Stupid Criminals Call 911 On Themselves?!?!

Pot Boy


When stupid criminals call 911 it’s never good. Here are a few hilarious examples of what happens when these criminal masterminds decide to use the phone.

IS GROWING MARIJUANA LEGAL?

When most criminals are unsure if their activities rise to the level of illegality, you’d think they would seek out the advice of an attorney, right? Well, not 21 year-old Robert Michelson from Connecticut. I guess he thought it might be a bit pricey to seek out legal advice the traditional way. So instead he decided to call information….911. Unfortunately for him he was off by 5 numbers. In most states, information is still 411.

Michelson called a 911 dispatcher and confessed that he was growing marijuana, but apparently he wasn’t trying to turn himself in. He simply wanted some legal advice on the penalties and fines for growing pot.

“I’m reporting a possible crime,” Michelson said, “I’m growing marijuana and I want to know how much trouble I can get in for one plant.”

After the dispatcher stopped laughing, she told him it depended on the size of his plant. Unbeknownst to Michelson, the police have, in their possession, some space age technology that allows them the capability of tracing 911 calls and tracking down the caller. Who knew? So as it turned out, it didn’t take long for the cops to show up at the stoned genius’s house and arrest him for possession, as well as several other charges.

The bad news for Michelson is he’ll be spending some time in the local jail. The good news is he got an answer to his question and didn’t have to pay for an attorney to get it.

CALLING 911 FROM THE HOME HE BROKE INTO

Timothy Chapek

Timothy Chapek

Who is the dumbest criminal ever? This guy!! Meet Timothy Chapek, 25 from Portland Oregon. He thought it’d be a great idea to break into someone’s house and……..take a shower! That alone is enough to get him into the stupid criminal top 10, but his next move may send him straight to number one. While he was lathering up with a loofha, he heard the homeowner return home. So what does he do next? Hide in the house? Climb out a window and run away? No, he decided to call 911.

The following is a transcript from the hilarious call:

Burglar: “I just broke in to a house, and the owners came home!”

911 operator: “Wait, you broke into a house?”

Burglar: “Yeah.”

Burglar: “They can hear me.”

At this point the homeowner, Hillary McKenzie, arrives and can be heard on the call.

Hillary McKenzie: “Why are you in my house talking a shower?”

Burglar: “I’m sorry. My name is Timothy Chapek.”

McKenzie: “Why are you in my shower?”

Clark: “I broke in…”

McKenzie: “Alright, I am calling the police.”

Clark: “I have already called them, they are on the phone, right now.”

<strong>She eventually called the dispatcher from her cell phone.

McKenzie: “He’s in the bathroom, the door’s shut, and he said he is there, and I said (laughing), ‘who the hell are you?.”

911 operator: “Did he sound like he was high or drunk?”

McKenzie: “Well, he is obviously nuts.”

Chapek was charged with trespassing, and he becomes the latest in a long line of stupid criminals who have called 911 on themselves.

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Funny Mug Shot T-Shirts

Some of the funniest mugs we’ve ever seen, usually include some moron wearing a hilarious T-shirt. So here they are, some of the best t-shirts ever in a mug shot;

Super Freak!

Subject: Craig T. Wellington
Crime: Petty Theft, Public intoxication
Profile: Dating Rick James?

Craig apparently thought it was a good idea to steal a case of Red Bull from the back of an unattended delivery truck on a dare from a friend. Is it any surprise that alcohol was a factor in this equation?

Unfortunately for him, getting arrested was just the beginning of his problems. Next time, Craig may think twice about his wardrobe decisions when he leaves the house. As a rule of thumb, you never want to give the wrong impression about your sexuality to a group of men who’ve been locked up without any female companionship for months or years at a time.

Although, Rick James passed away in 2006, I’m sure someone in prison will be more than willing to take his place. Don’t bend over for the soap Craig!

Idiot

You Can’t Fix Stupid

Subject: Laurence McGee
Crime: Indecent Exposure, Drug Possession
Profile: Placed 2nd in a 1978 Leif Garrett look-alike contest

Laurence had no idea how prophetic those words on his tee shirt were, one fateful night last August. The night started like any other Friday night for a swinging single dude, living in Seattle. Rush hour commute in traffic, a quick bite to eat, shower and shave and a trip to his dealer to buy some Rohypnol.

Laurence apparently had a fondness for the ladies that was not reciprocal. So this hopeless romantic decided he needed some help….chemically. He purchased the date rape drug, Rohypnol or Ruffies to help improve his odds of success.

He went to a local bar and met a potential prospect. When she wasn’t looking he slipped the date rape drug into her drink, or so he thought. Apparently he’d unknowingly put the Ruffies into his own drink by mistake. By the time police arrived he was in the parking lot, laying on the hood of a Honda Civic without any pants!

Luckily for us, mug shots are only from the waist up! Maybe we should introduce him to the Rick James guy?

Is His Title In Jeopardy?

Is His Title In Jeopardy?

Subject: Daniel Allen Everett
Crime: Sex Offender
Profile: Reigning “Worlds Greatest Dad” International Champion

Daniel Allen Everett, is not only the reigning “Worlds Greatest Dad” he is also a child predator who was arrested after attempting to have sex with a 14 year-old girl…..while wearing his World’s greatest dad shirt!!

It’s unclear how this will affect his chances at defending his title, but it definitely won’t help.

Daniel went from being a world champ, to an internet laughing stock overnight. Well Daniel, look at the bright side…You may have lost the World’s greatest dad title, but you’ve got a shot at World’s Stupidest Criminal.

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Mitt Romney, Tide and A Fat Prisoner – Weird Crimes

The Romney Robber

The Romney Robber

Sterling, Virginia – A Wells Fargo bank was robbed last week by a man wearing a Mitt Romney mask. The robber, brandished a handgun and stole money from several tellers before making his escape.

This same bank was robbed two years ago by a robber wearing a Hillary Clinton Mask.

However, it was fitting that this man was wearing a Florida State sweatshirt, given that the university has had a history of ah …… criminal athletes.

Tide, The Newest Drug Of Choice

Tide, The Next World Currency?

Forget The Dollar, The Euro Or Yen, The newest currency is…..Tide?!?!

Law-enforcement officials across the country have been baffled by the latest crime wave targeting an unlikely item — Tide laundry detergent.

Theft of Tide detergent has become so rampant that some cities are setting up special task forces to stop it, and retailers like CVS are locking up the liquid.

One thief in St. Paul, Minn., stole approximately $25,000 worth of the laundry detergent before he was arrested early this year.

Tide has become a valuable currency on the streets. The retail price is pretty high — roughly $10 to $20 a bottle — and it’s a staple in households across socioeconomic classes.

Tide can go for $5 to $10 a bottle on the black market, cops say, and some thieves even resell it to stores.

“We sent in an informant to buy drugs,” Prince George’s County, Md., Detective Harrison Sprague said. “The dealer said, ‘I don’t have drugs, but I could sell you 15 bottles of Tide.’ ”

So far, as of this writing, George Soros hasn’t tried to manipulate the price of Tide on the world currency markets…..yet.

You’ll Never Believe How This Prisoner Smuggled A Gun Into Jail

Who Needs A Holster?

A Texas prisoner was charged with smuggling 9 mm into prison. The gun was found during a routine check of the prisoner’s cell. While it’s not completely unusual for people to smuggle things into jail, it was however the unique method of smuggling that authorities were surprised about.

The prisoner admitted to sneaking the weapon into the jail by hiding it under the folds of his fat. The prisoner also admitted to smuggling in some KFC and a bag of pretzels.

Apparently, when you weigh more than 600 lbs., you’ve got plenty of nooks and crannies to hide a gun and ammo.

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Stupid Criminals – Pocket Dialing 911 In The Middle Of A Drug Deal

Hello?

Scranton, Pennsylvania – Justin Kryzanowski, 24, was a simple man. He was just your typical 20 something American guy. He liked football, hot dogs, apple pie and selling crack to neighborhood kids.

He was an entrepreneur who believed in customer service. So one day, while on a “sales call” to a potential client, Justin accidentally pocket dialed 911. His conversation with a customer named “Rick” involved phrases like “dime bag” and bong tokes” which aroused suspicions of the 911 operator who then informed police.

Police were waiting for Justin when he arrived home. The Scranton police noticed that Kryzanowski’s speech was slurred , and his eyes were dilated during their initial interview at his house.

They also discovered prescription drugs and syringes filled with Suboxone, an opioid dependence medication, inside Kryzanowski’s residence. Cops confirmed that Kryzanowski’s cell phone also matched the one used to dial 911 during the alleged drug deal.

Note to drug-dealers: A great technique to avoid getting busted by the cops is refrain from calling them on yourself!

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Facebook Fools – More Stupid Criminals

Facebook Idiot

Just when you think criminals couldn’t get any stupider, along comes Facebook to prove us wrong.

Coral Springs, Florida – It’s stupid enough to commit a crime that yields no financial reward, but contains an element of risk, right? But then, compound that stupidity by advertising it to the world, thus ensuring you will be caught. This guy obviously has an IQ that qualifies him for political office!

Meet future U.S. Senator, Steven Mulhall, 21, of Coral Springs, Florida. This intellectual giant decided to steal a nameplate off the door of a Judge’s courtroom door and then post it on his girlfriend’s Facebook page.

Mulhall posted the photograph of himself holding the stolen nameplate, which was pried from the door of Broward Circuit Judge Michael Orlando courtroom on Natalie Coma Toze Segura Facebook account, according to arrest records.

“The nameplate is like only $40, not that big of a crime, but what an idiot. He puts it on Facebook,” said Broward County Sheriff Al Lamberti. “Here he is flaunting it on Facebook. He violated the terms of his parole by stealing, from a judge he appeared before no less. He’s got multiple convictions for petty theft, so now this is a felony.”

Lamberti said deputies picked up Mulhall after verifying the suspect had appeared before judge Orlando. The judge’s nameplate was pried from the door around Feb. 23, according to the arrest report. A tip to Broward Crime Stoppers led authorities to Mulhall.

“The tipster gave us his address, name and the Facebook page,” Lamberti said.

Facebook – Idiots Welcome!

Cali, Colombia – Home of the Cali cartel, the infamous drug gang known for their ruthless and savage ways. You’d think criminals would be a little smarter down there, after all they’ve had a lot of practice right?

Well, in the neighborhood of Calima, north of the city of Cali, two morons decided to rob an internet cafe. Perhaps they should stick to businesses without internet access in the future.

Before drawing their weapons, they logged into their Facebook accounts to update their status, but forgot to log out! They rented two computers and browsed the internet before taking out their guns and robbing the place.

The cafe manager called the police, who arrived and discovered the Facebook account still open in the computer used by one of the idiots. From there it was easy to get his address and the cops were waiting when he got home. He’s now serving time in the local jail and his Facebook status has been updated from “single” to “in a….ah….how do we put this…..relationship”

Gresham, Oregon – A 14-year-old boy, whose name was withheld due to his age, critically injured another driver in a hit-and-run crash. If that wasn’t stupid enough, he went home and posted on his Facebook page “somehow the police haven’t found me yet”.

Oops! Oregon cops credit that status update with being able to locate and apprehend the 14-year-old.

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More Stupid Criminals

Father and Son Morons

British Colombia, Canada – Jesse Blue West and his son Dustin Moir, were arrested for murder. These geniuses spoke openly in the back of a police van about the murder and who should take the fall while knowing they were being taped.

“Watch what you’re saying, we’re being recorded,” said West, as they continued to discuss the crime in detail!. The case is being tried as we speak, but it doesn’t look good for these two buffoons.

No Getaway Car? Ask Your Victim To Call You A Cab

Staten Island, New York – Ronald Baker, 19, and an accomplice knocked on the door of an elderly couple and forced their way in when they opened the door. The criminals brandished a gun, and Baker forced the couple to the ground, and did the same to their daughter when she came downstairs.

The suspects ransacked the house, taking four watches, jewelry, a knife and an undisclosed amount of cash, whose total value exceeded $15,00. Before leaving, the suspects got the name of a cab company from the victims and called for a car to pick them up.

The victims had been shut in a closet “secured by a chair” but they managed to get out. They called police, who then contacted the cab company.

The Police were waiting for Baker at his destination and they caught him after a brief chase. Baker was charged with burglary and robbery, and his accomplice was caught later.

Zachary Pace

Pinson Alabama – 24-year-old Zackary Pace left Jack’s Restaurant after his shift ended, only to return minutes later in a pathetic attempt to rob the place. After finishing his shift he returned almost immediately armed with a gun, a mask on his face and wearing the same clothes he had on when he left! Apparently he didn’t fool any of his co workers.

His attempt at disguising his voice was apparently so bad that his co-workers told him to stop joking. Pace got away with an undisclosed amount of money, but his stupidity doesn’t end here. He showed up to work the next day as if nothing happened, just as police were conducting interviews about the robbery. He was arrested and charged with first degree robbery.

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Stuck In A/C Shaft, Hidden Cell Phone and Fake ID Fail. It’s Stupid Criminals!

Richard Anthony Smith


Thief Gets Stuck in Air Conditioning Shaft, Then Calls 911

Knoxville Tennessee – This is Richard Anthony Smith, 25, who called Knoxville cops to report a man who got trapped in an air conditioning shaft of a local museum. The man trapped in the A/C shaft? Himself!

Yep, Einstein got stuck while breaking and entering and called cops for help while concocting a lame story to justify why he was there.

From the roof, cops and firefighters found him stuck 50 feet down, in the ducts of the building’s ventilation system. He told police he was there to “defuse and confiscate” a Soviet-made nuclear warhead. Must have been part of some super secret government covert operation.

When he was arrested on charges of robbery he was overheard by cops saying, “”Mission failed.” You can’t make this stuff up!

Cell Phone Up the Rectum

Anyone see my blue tooth?

Austin, Texas – Another day, another cell phone in the rectum on death row story.

Prison officials conducting a routine shakedown of death row inmates, made a disturbing and disgusting discovery; a cell phone hidden inside the rectum of convicted murderer Henry Skinner.

Here is how it went down; During the shakedown two SIM ards were discovered in Skinner’s bible. SIM cards but no cell phone, naturally raised a red flag. Because Skinner had previously shown a propensity to …..Ahh…. be creative while hiding contraband, officials took him to the infirmary to run an X-ray.

There was no indication of how the cell phone was retrieved or who had to go and get it. Hopefully someone with very small hands?

Notice anything wrong?

Jackson, Mississippi – Meet Mario Andreas Gonzales Martinez. He’s just your typical 9 – 5 hard working guy who decided he needed to supplement his income to make ends meet. So, showing his entrepreneurial spirit, he came up with a great ID theft money making plan.

The Plan

Step 1 – Steal someone’s identity, get an ID made and open a bank account using said ID.
Step 2 – Steal someone’s checkbook, write check to stolen identity, deposit funds and withdraw the cash.

Sounds great on paper but this genius never made it past step one. He had a fake ID made, that actually looked genuine except for one little flaw; the photo. A driver’s license photo generally only has a photo of the person listed on the license! Mario used a photo of himself posing with his girlfriend. You gotta give credit to poor Mario for creativity but never underestimate a man’s stupidity!

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Stupid Criminals & Celebrity Mug Shot Look Alikes

If your school fight song is”Dueling Banjos”, you might be a redneck.

Joe-Bob MaGee

Siloam Springs Arkansas – Meet Joe-Bob MaGee from Arkansas. Joe-Bob has the unique honor of reaching two milestones; He has been married three times but still has the same in-laws and he happens to be a dead ringer for the banjo playing boy from Deliverance. Remember Deliverance? It was the movie about the four men who travel into the mountains and…ah…become acquainted with some good ole’ boys?

Deliverance Kid

Joe was arrested for residential burglary. He allegedly broke into a mobile home in the trailer park where he lives! Some of the items taken? A set of six Hank Williams 8-tracks, a stuffed squirrel, a siphon hose, and three packages of beef jerky.

Police were able to track him by following a set of shoe prints to his trailer. There was a heavy rainstorm the night before and the ground was still pretty muddy, thus preserving the tracks. I guess everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

KISS your freedom good-bye!

Eddie Deluccio

Los Angeles California – This is Eddie Deluccio, who just happens to look a lot like Gene Simmons from the rock band KISS. Eddie isn’t the smartest criminal around.

Eddie stole about fifty thousand dollars worth of gold coins from the trunk of a car. The coins belonged to a local coin dealer who was in route to a coin show and left them in his vehicle. Eddie appeared to have gotten away with it as the police had no leads and no finger prints.

Gene Simmons

Then Eddie went and did something stupid, he got arrested for a drunken bar fight. After he was arrested, he feared police might suspect him in the coin robbery. In a panic, he used the pay phone in the jail cell to call his accomplice and ordered him to “…get rid of the rest of the coins…now!”

Unfortunately for poor Eddie, he didn’t realize that jail cells are under constant surveillance and jail house phone calls are monitored and recorded. Well it didn’t take long for the police to put two and two together and realize which coins he was talking about. They traced the call, and located the accomplice and coins. Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Lucius Alexander

Need A Post-It Note?

Newark, New Jersey – Meet Lucius Alexander, petty thief, alcoholic and a Carrot Top look-alike. Lucius was arrested for perhaps the stupidest theft of all time, stealing 20,000 Post-It Notes?!?!

Do you know anyone who needs 20,000 Post-It Notes?

Well, apparently Lucius believed he could make a killing selling them, so he broke into a warehouse where they were stored and make off with a boatload of them. Oh it seemed like the perfect crime…until it was time to sell them.

Carrot Top

Lucius fancied himself an entrepreneur, so he set up a booth at a local flea market and tried to unload his new found inventory. Lucius sure didn’t think things through because the flea market was just two blocks from the scene of the crime and the burglary made all the local papers and the evening newscast.

Police reported no fewer than 23 calls that day from flea market shoppers who had heard about the heist. Witnesses say that when Lucius was arrested he was crying like a baby, all while proclaiming his innocence. God must love stupid people. He made SO many of them!

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Robberies Foiled With Beer, Golf Clubs & A Toy Gun

It’s Shame To See Good Beer Go To Waste


Kelvedon Hatch, England – A convenience store manager foiled an attempted robbery by throwing cans of beer at the attempted robber.

Aman Singh-Mann, 29, manager of the Nisa store in Kelvedon Hatch, England, said a knife-wielding masked man entered the store around 5:15 p.m. in the afternoon and demanded an employee open the cash register.

“It was a man shouting ‘open the till’. Straight away I knew I had to do something and I just acted on instinct. I went out and saw the man and he was waving the knife around. I grabbed the first thing I could and threw it at him.”

Singh-Mann said he continued to threw beer cans at the robber until he fled. Police are still trying to find the suspect. It’s a damn good thing Mr. Singh-Mann didn’t use pepper spray or a stun gun to fight off the robber or the bobbies would have arrested him for using a deadly weapon!
(UK man arrested for stun gun)
(UK man arrested for pepper spray)

Well, you gotta give him credit for thinking on his feet, after all a Beer bottle makes a great self defense weapon in a pinch. You know what makes a better one? A .500 Smith & Wesson!!!

Golf Clubs – Great For Driving, Putting And Kickin’ Ass!


Garden Grove, Ca – A jewelry store owner stopped an attempted robbery Wednesday by using an unlikely weapon…a nine iron!

Two Asian men entered Masterpiece Jewelry and indicated they had a question about repairing a piece of jewelry.

After the store owner buzzed them in, one of the suspects held a stun gun to the owner’s neck and demanded jewelry.

The owner broke free, ran to the back of the store and activated a silent alarm.
The attackers then shocked him repeatedly with the stun gun in an attempt to take him down. However, he was able to grab his golf club and tee-off on them so hard, they ran away, without any merchandise.

“We gotta be more careful,” said the owner, who was too afraid to reveal his name. “It’s the first time for me. What a shock.”

Officials plan to review security tapes hoping it will lead to the suspects.

Make My Day Punk.

Norwich, Ct – Norwich police arrested a pair of geniuses on Tuesday after a failed robbery attempt with a toy gun. Daron Henry and Jordan Nicholas, both 19 approached a couple on the street and demanded money. When the couple refused to had over the cash, Henry brandished the gun.

Now here is where it all falls apart, literally. When Henry tried to pistol whip the victim, the plastic gun broke into pieces. Out of fear or embarrassment, the two suspects then fled, but were caught a short time later.

Henry was charged with first-degree robbery, third-degree assault, breach of peace and brandishing a facsimile firearm. Jordan, whose list of pending criminal cases that include drug sales and assault charges, faces similar charges.

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Matthew McConaughy, Carl Fredricksen and Voldemort?

Fake Matt

Subject: Anthony Mahowald
Crime: Porn & serial peeping
Profile: Likes to wear mirrors on his shoes

Meet Anthony Mahowald, who just happens to bear a striking resemblance to actor Matthew McConaughey. However, the similarities end there.

He’s accused of using his cellphone camera to snap pictures under dressing room doors. Police say he’s also accused of setting up a hidden camera in a bedroom.

Real Matt

And in February, he was arrested for peeping through a window. He was caught when the homeowner went outside to pick up the morning newspaper and noticed some tracks in the snow.

He followed the tracks around to the side of the house to his bedroom window, where Mr. Mahowald was peering in the window watching his wife get dressed. The homeowner used a stun gun to subdue him. Police say they also found child porn on Mahowald’s computer.

Disco Fever!

Subject: Weston Howard
Crimes: Public intoxication
Profile: Loves the Bee Gees

This is 85-year-old Weston Howard of Central Florida. Ole Weston is a real life Carl Fredricksen from the Disney animated movie “UP”. Weston was arrested for several counts of public intoxication, indecent exposure, disturbing the peace and butchering an already lame song in public.

Carl Fredricksen

Howard was seen stumbling along the city streets with no pants on singing “Stayin’ Alive” and begging for cash. He was arrested, held overnight and released after he sobered up and posted bail.

Police knew he was intoxicated before they initiated a sobriety test because they knew that no sober person would sing Bee Gees tunes, at least not willingly. Police said Howard has been arrested before, he’s the harmless town drunk who wanders the city streets most nights mumbling and smelling of Nightrain. However, according to locals, he’s never been known to sing Bee Gees tunes before, he’s usually partial to Rick James.

Subject: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named
Crimes: Burglary, breaking and entering
Profile: Likes puppies, sunsets and world domination

Phineas

Meet Phineas T. Cormac, 42 of Thomasville Alabama. Phineas was booked on residential burglary charges and just happens to be a dead ringer for Voldamort from the Harry Potter movies. Phineas apparently choose the wrong house to burglarize, for several reasons. Number one, the homeowner was home. Number two, the homeowner was a 350 pound ex-pro wrestler and marine who was an avid firearm collector. Number three, the homeowner was African American, and judging from poor Phineas’s Aryan tattoos, the homeowner wasn’t thrilled to see him.

Voldemort

What exactly happened to Phineas’s face is unclear to police, as both the homeowner and Phineas haven’t been forthcoming with details. However, police speculated that the homeowner caught Mr. Cormac in the act of burglarizing his house and put a quick end to it.

Police also believe that when the homeowner saw the burglar’s racist tattoos that may have motivated a more severe beating than was otherwise warranted. We think just having the name Phineas is enough to justify the butt kicking that he got. Let’s face it, no matter how tough looking your tattoos are, your name is still Phineas, right?

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