Apex Self Defense

Protecting the world from miscreants and scum

Matthew McConaughy, Carl Fredricksen and Voldemort?

Fake Matt

Subject: Anthony Mahowald
Crime: Porn & serial peeping
Profile: Likes to wear mirrors on his shoes

Meet Anthony Mahowald, who just happens to bear a striking resemblance to actor Matthew McConaughey. However, the similarities end there.

He’s accused of using his cellphone camera to snap pictures under dressing room doors. Police say he’s also accused of setting up a hidden camera in a bedroom.

Real Matt

And in February, he was arrested for peeping through a window. He was caught when the homeowner went outside to pick up the morning newspaper and noticed some tracks in the snow.

He followed the tracks around to the side of the house to his bedroom window, where Mr. Mahowald was peering in the window watching his wife get dressed. The homeowner used a stun gun to subdue him. Police say they also found child porn on Mahowald’s computer.

Disco Fever!

Subject: Weston Howard
Crimes: Public intoxication
Profile: Loves the Bee Gees

This is 85-year-old Weston Howard of Central Florida. Ole Weston is a real life Carl Fredricksen from the Disney animated movie “UP”. Weston was arrested for several counts of public intoxication, indecent exposure, disturbing the peace and butchering an already lame song in public.

Carl Fredricksen

Howard was seen stumbling along the city streets with no pants on singing “Stayin’ Alive” and begging for cash. He was arrested, held overnight and released after he sobered up and posted bail.

Police knew he was intoxicated before they initiated a sobriety test because they knew that no sober person would sing Bee Gees tunes, at least not willingly. Police said Howard has been arrested before, he’s the harmless town drunk who wanders the city streets most nights mumbling and smelling of Nightrain. However, according to locals, he’s never been known to sing Bee Gees tunes before, he’s usually partial to Rick James.

Subject: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named
Crimes: Burglary, breaking and entering
Profile: Likes puppies, sunsets and world domination

Phineas

Meet Phineas T. Cormac, 42 of Thomasville Alabama. Phineas was booked on residential burglary charges and just happens to be a dead ringer for Voldamort from the Harry Potter movies. Phineas apparently choose the wrong house to burglarize, for several reasons. Number one, the homeowner was home. Number two, the homeowner was a 350 pound ex-pro wrestler and marine who was an avid firearm collector. Number three, the homeowner was African American, and judging from poor Phineas’s Aryan tattoos, the homeowner wasn’t thrilled to see him.

Voldemort

What exactly happened to Phineas’s face is unclear to police, as both the homeowner and Phineas haven’t been forthcoming with details. However, police speculated that the homeowner caught Mr. Cormac in the act of burglarizing his house and put a quick end to it.

Police also believe that when the homeowner saw the burglar’s racist tattoos that may have motivated a more severe beating than was otherwise warranted. We think just having the name Phineas is enough to justify the butt kicking that he got. Let’s face it, no matter how tough looking your tattoos are, your name is still Phineas, right?

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