Apex Self Defense

Protecting the world from miscreants and scum

Stupid Chip Criminals

We love stupid criminals. We also love potato chips. So what could be better than combining the two? Enjoy!

Cheetos Assault

Take a Cheetos break

Tennessee – We’re not exactly sure what happened, or even if the event in question occurred at a trailer park. But the police report indicated a domestic dispute between James Earl Taylor, 40, and Mary Childers, after an argument over the reality show “Redneck island” evolved into a physical assault.
The physical altercation apparently involved Orange Cheese Puffs, that fact is not in dispute. However, it’s unclear whether the improvised weapon in question was Crunchy Cheetos, Cheetos Puffs or the Flamin’ Hot Variety.

Frito Lay?

Chips For Sex
Oklahoma – Lahoma Sue Smith of Oklahoma pleaded guilty to a prostitution charge for accepting a box of Frito-Lay chips in exchange for oral sex. According to an Oklahoma City Police Department report, Faron Ray Johnson told cops that he informed Smith that he did not have any money, but that she ‘agreed to give him sex for a box of chips.’ Johnson, a Frito-Lay employee, provided Smith with a case of chips he valued at $30.

I’d do just about anything for a bag of Sweet Maui Onion, but this is ridiculous.

Chips and Dip
WASHINGTON, Pa. — Police followed a trail of potato chips to catch a Pennsylvania burglary suspect.

Nobody can steal just one!

Washington police say 21-year-old Benjamin Sickles was arrested after he broke into a Subway restaurant and stole several bags of snacks. Not simply content to take his new found booty home to snack on later, he ate while he walked, leaving a trail of chips as he went.

Cops say the mental giant broke a glass door before trying to unsuccessfully open the cash register. He then made off with nine bags of chips after he couldn’t get to the cash.

Officers followed a trail of chip bags to Sickles residence. He was hold up in the house, so cops lured him out with sour cream and onion dip. He had a bloody hand and foot when he was taken into custody after police drew their Tasers.

Oh Canada
Saanich, B.C. – A couple of drunk university students stole Zellers brand BBQ – flavored chips out of a woman’s garage in Saanich, B.C.

We Always Get Our Chip Thief

The female students were drinking and heading to the University of Victoria when they passed an open garage and noticed the chips inside. The owner, who was alerted to their presence by her barking Chihuahua, heard the chip bandits and called the police.

According to police, the chip thieves motivation was the fact that Zellers is closing it’s doors for good in October and these chips are particularly good.

“I haven’t tried these for myself, but my understanding is that particular brand of barbeque is quite tasty,” said Sgt. Dean Jantzen of the Saanich Police as he tried to keep a straight face. “Apparently there had been some elicit chip tasting.”

Jantzen couldn’t keep his laughter suppressed any longer and after one question laughed saying, “These are first time chip offenders.”

You can’t make this stuff up.

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