Apex Self Defense

Protecting the world from miscreants and scum

Stupid Criminals

One of our favorite things at the Apex blog is stupid criminals. In fact, we love them so much we might just have to make this a regular feature. So today, we’ll review some of the biggest morons to come down the pike in recent memory. So without further ado, lets introduce you to our first genius;

World’s Stupidest Criminal?

This guy's title run may be in jeopardy

Daniel Allen Everett, 33 of Clarkston Michigan. He was the reigning “Worlds Greatest Dad” until a minor lapse in judgement cost him his crown. Yes a minor lapse, he was arrested while attempting to have sex with a 14 year-old girl…..while wearing his World’s greatest dad shirt!!

We aren’t involved in the judging for the World’s Greatest Dad competition, but we do believe this incident may put a damper on Daniel’s attempt to retain the title. Only time will tell.

Daniel went from being a world champ, to an internet laughing stock overnight. Well Daniel, look at the bright side…You may have lost the World’s greatest dad title, but you’ve got a shot at World’s Stupidest Criminal.

Whatever you do...don't try to milk this one!

Cowabunga Dude!

This is Michelle Allen….yeah you read it right. Michelle, not Michael. Apparently Michelle is a female. We’ve never referred to a woman as a cow, and we won’t start now! We’ll take the high road here and avoid the easy jokes about her appearance but we did a double take when we saw her picture.

Anyway, Michelle appears to be fond of urinating on people’s porches and chasing children while wearing this cow suit. How she is able to perform said act, with a full body cow suit on is unclear. Impressive, but unclear nonetheless. Also, We’re not quite sure what prompted her to chase children, perhaps payback for an attempted cow tipping?

According to the official Police report, ole Betsy had left the pasture and was creating traffic problems, reeked of alcohol and was verbally abusive when they arrested her.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that an adult was caught wearing a cow suit, but the anatomically correct, strategically placed udders make the whole thing even creepier! We can’t wait to see how she tops this next Halloween!

DIY mask

I’m Batman!

Meet Matthew McNelly and Joey Miller. These two would-be robbers from Iowa are a disgrace to their profession. There are many thieves out there who take pride in their work and spend years perfecting their craft. Amateurs like these two give all criminals a bad name!

They were arrested on attempted burglary charges after a 911 caller told cops that two masked men were trying to break into his home. The two were caught after a routine traffic stop, (the two were traveling in a 1994 Buick Roadmaster).

Guys, show some pride in your work! At least go out and purchase the proper tools of the trade! Really, A sharpie? How expensive can a ski mask be?

Shoplift Till You Drop

So, when exactly is the right time to shoplift? We don’t really know the answer to that one but we can definitely say that it isn’t on shop with a cop day. Apparently when David Sherman 49, tried to make off with a $79 DVD player, he didn’t realize that there were a couple of dozen cops in the Nebraska Walmart at the time.

"Shop with a cop day" is not the best time to shoplift

The cops were taking 75 underprivileged kids out for a shopping trip and pictures with Santa when they spotted the less-than-stealthy Sherman running out of the store with electronics in hand. Several uniformed officers pursued him, and caught him hiding in a car in the parking lot.

We don’t believe in awarding a prize for stupidest criminal because they all had an equally valiant effort. And besides we don’t want the losers to have their feelings hurt!

Many criminals unfortunately aren’t this stupid, so visit our self defense tips page, for info on how to protect yourself and your home from criminals smarter than these guys!

Click here to purchase self defense products.


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